one of 'em days
This is just for me.
Kick off my shoes and relax my feet
Hit the kitchen grab a bite to eat
It's been one of those crazy weeks
And I gotta do something special for me
Hit the salon get a mani and a pedi
Have a massage, get a sip and then I'm ready
Gotta take time out
I'm going all out today. Manicure, Pedicure, Hair cut... maybe this will relax me. Hopefully i don't end up looking like a cha-cha-chia pet. Wish me luck. I just need something to lift my spirits.
Apparently, the loss of Itally has me more down than I thought. I was so sure that i was going this year that i could taste it. I felt it throughout my body and in my heart that i was going to be in Italy in the fall, but i'm not. Everyone tells me that i'll still be going and my plans are just postponed, but it's not the same.
I'm supposed to be heading out tonight with a friend to buca de peppo. Why is it one minute i want to go and another minute i don't want to go. Not that i don't want to see my friend or anything, but there's that part of me that feels weird b/c I don't really know where my bounderies are with someone else. :\ I guess i'm just confused. At one point expressing feelings was the norm, and now i'm scared to say a damn thing that shows how i feel. I'm probably being over analytical about the whole situation and am being blinded by my own dissappointments. I guess it's easier to put up my guard and cutting any strings that are attatched to this person then just taking the risk. At least that way it wont hurt as bad as if things ended further down the line.
"the biggest risks in life are the most fullfilling"
never forgotten
Looking into your eyes makes me totally vulnerable. I wish I could stare into your eyes forever. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world. And as long as I'm with you I'll be happy.
fuct day cards for free
valentine's day
cards that don't say "i love you."
still a kid
Reality Mash
You will live in Apartment.
You will drive a Gray Tahoe.
You will marry (to remain nameless) and have 5 kids.
You will be a interior designer in New york.
Fantasy World Mash
You will live in Shack.
You will drive a Black Escalade.
You will marry Brandon Boyd and have 5 kids.
You will be a Interior Designer in New York.
Fantasy World part due(two) Mash
You will live in Apartment.
You will drive a white Mercedes.
You will marry Chad Micheal Murray and have 4 kids.
You will be a interior Designer in New York.
That's it i'm going to move to New York and become an Interior designer!!
who will
YOU marry?
phacking shat
I'm not going to Italy. Not that I don't want to because I would do anything to go right now. If someone told me I had to cut off my left pinky toe to go to Italy, chances are... Well let's put it this way, arrivederci pinky toe. I wanted Italy so badly. I want Italy really bad. It sucks because I was going to get my passport this week and I started my Italian class and now that I have had a taste I want the whole thing. I was on my way to registering at Coastline Community College when I found out, I bursted into tears it hurt so bad. Right now I've moved into the shock stage and I can't do anything, not cry or be angry, I'm just here and I'm immobile. Just rip my heart out while your at it.
I'm sad.
I also found out it's going to cost about 2 grand to fix my car. Not that I'm paying for it, well I am paying for 1/4 of it, but it's like damn - I don't have 500 to spare right now, but I have no choice. I'll also be driving a rental car for the next two weeks b/c there's apparently that much damage internally and externally. So if you see me I may be driving a Chevy Malibu, ford mustang, or some other god awful looking car... With NO CD PLAYER.
Things will get better. I still have hope... The glass is half full. I'll just keep telling myself that so things can start looking up b/c the whole Italy thing was a major shut down. A bullet straight through my dream.
I guess I'll be seeing Italy in fall 2005. :\ Any one want to join me?
It turns out my Human Sexuality class is too demanding. I'm talking about an Oral presentation every other week, papers, group projects, hour presentations, and one 10 page paper. I know that's not that bad, but I'm taking six other classes. Not a very good idea. So bye bye Human sexuality and yay for no class on Tuesday nights. :) I bought the book before I decided to drop and i was looking though it today. (Next few sentences is rated R for strong sexual content) I saw my first uncircumcised penis. That thing looks like snuffulophugus' trunk without the hair. It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen and I never ever want to see one again. It's that disgusting. Apparently it looks like yams with a hole in it, I never had yams so I don't know but if it looks like an uncircumcised penis I never want to see yams. I just had to interject that comment into this b/c I want everyone to know that was one of the most disturbingly gosh-awful looking things I've ever seen... I wouldn't come near it if you paid me.
My other classes seem pretty good. I'm really enjoying my Comic spirit class. He's one of those teachers that you want to do your best in b/c he's so animate about his teaching. He wants to teach and effect us into seeing a world outside the social construct in which we are brought up to see. He told us that there's more to life then the Alpha Chimp syndrome (ACS), we don't all need to piss, please, and beat each other to be the best. It is that very thing, egotism, that is killing our way of life and ultimately will obliterate the world. His views are so passionate and eye opening I want to go everyday. It doesn't hurt that he's also pure comedy. He was speaking of our government and he said it's a fucked up system. He said, "When the Clinton Scandal became public, the government really started going down hill. Everyone heard about the scandal, right? Yanno the one in the Oral office? Everyone started ranting and raving about the disgrace of brining sex into our government, and next thing you know is that our next president was a guy named Bush. So here we are years later Bush is our president, Dick is our Vice president, and Colon is our secretary of state. Did w miss any other male or female external genital?" LOL. Too funny. It was a lot more funny when he said it, but I guess it's just one of those teachers that cannot be imitated, at least not by me.
I had togo's today. One of the workers Joseph, who just graduated from CSULB, was hitting on me and iris. LOL. Iris thinks he was attractive, maybe I'm just not looking.
Alright need to start reading for non-verbal communication, according to Iris and Alma it's 23 pages of redundancy.
B. McKnight
Everytime, we say goodbye
I, don't want you to go
Everytime, we say goodbye
I, don't want you to go
Sometimes I only get to see you for a day
If thats all I can get then thats what I'll take
Soon I know the day will come
That you and I will be as one
But right now the thing gets so hard to say
first day of school
I had my first class of spring 2004, Comic Spirit. I love it. My teacher is full of knowledge and humor, it's going to be a great class. I would love to just sit over a cup of coffee and be injected with his knowledge. It's such an attractive quality, he isn't cute, but his broad aspects of the world, history, and everything is appealing. Ever wonder why the nerds get the babes in the end? It's actually for their brain. Who would of thought that I would one day I would come to this epiphany? It just takes some sort of attraction being with body or mind. His name is Raymond Phillip Lacoste, when translated it's Wise man by the sea who teaches horses. Hahaha. I thought that was funny. His expressions get me rolling too, b/c here's this man straight from it seems like the 70's, walking aimlessly along the stage of the class, saying "um...Yeah...Um," and then BAM!! He says a monologue! Completely unexpected and without any mistakes. It's great. I can't say it enough. I've already been enlightened in so many ways. Did you know that laughter is actually the best cure to the human body? It's proven. I would have never thought, so forget all the medicines I'm sticking to laughing. :) Also that the most dangerous four-letter word is L-O-V-E? That word is dangerous. I don't even want to go into that tangent. He also uses these great words and it fascinates me. I think I'm gonna have to write down every word he says because it makes me feel like I am in college. To top it off, he calls us scholars. That's awesome. For once a teacher actually sees us for what we are, and not just college students. It's a nice change.
I wonder what tomorrow is going to be like? Hopefully they are as interesting as the this class b/c then it gives me motivation to come. How sad is this... My usual motivation for my classes are guys. I would find that one person who catches my eye and make him the reason why I should go to class. I know it's pathetic, but a girl has to do what a girl gots to do. Lets just hope my teachers are my motivation b/c Tuesdays are long days I'm gonna need that extra encouragement... The cute guys will just be a bonus ;) tee-hee.
I really want to take up some reading outside of school. I used to read lotts, but nothing that titillated
my brain or for that matter even raised an eyebrow. The da vinci code is definitely something I need to pick up soon. Anything philosophical like by Albert Camus or J.D. Salinger... he wasn't a phillospher but he had very interesting points of views. I want to be free from the regular apathy of everyday TV and computer nonsense. What I really need to do is pick up the newspaper and read current events. Another journey for another year... Wish me luck.
Reminicing 11.03
Have you ever sat and wondered if you were meant to be alone? What if you aren't meant to meet that special someone in your life? Man, this is a depressing thought, but sometimes I can't help but think. What if this is true? What if the person I'm supposed to be with has passed on, or found someone else? Does that mean that I'm meant to be alone in this world? Sometimes you look around at everyone who's already found their match and wonder why you can't have that.
People always tell me to stop looking for love, but this is one thing I can't help. It's always in the back of my mind. I think this is true for everyone. Everyone is in search of their "other half", of that other person who will be there for them 100 percent of the time, that person who you can call up anytime and talk to about anything. The hard part is the search you have to make before meeting them. It takes a lot of patience and trial and error. At times we feel like giving up because of all the bad experiences we've had thus far and at other times we wonder where it all went wrong. The person you think you knew was never really that person you thought you knew. People are strange and we can't help but be ourselves. This is why if I ever find that one person who is willing to understand me, to listen to me, to do things for me, and love me for who I am, I'd never let go. This type of person is a rarity in this lifetime and that's why if you have that person, make sure to do everything in your power to hold on to them.
ode to ye geminis
I had a really great talk with Hanako tonight. I miss her. We have so many things in common it's scary at times. For instance, both our birthdays fall on a semi-holiday every 4-6 years. The list goes on. I think were separated at birth, even thou she was born in Iowa and I was born in California. We have so much fun when we talk, I swear I lose thousands of calories just talking to her. We laugh at stupid shit too but it's hilarious...
H: in my anthro class they gave us this question with an albino having sex with four woman and then their kids interbreeding and no one so much as giggles I was dumbstruck.
Ya See That: what the? I would have been laughing so hard I am laughing so hard
H: I had to contain myself!!!!! I am laughing too... But all these stupid kids are all into figuring out the likeihood of another little albino being born and I was thinking... Okay, a retarded pink kid
Y: LOL hahaha
H: I am so immature.
Y: OMG that was so funny! hahaha no you're normal
H: but NO ONE even batted an eye it KILLS me
Y: gosh I even laugh when people say erect or something
H: ME TOO! Anything that sounds like balls- like in finite math.. The problems where you have blue balls and red ball in a hole.. What is the probability of getting two blue balls if you two out of the hole
Y: did you watch that one episode of friends when they go to Ross' paleontologist convention and Joey is just laughing b/c Ross said homo-erectus?
H: I DIE LOLOLOLOL
Y: hahahahahahahahahahh
Hi: I was laffing so hard
Y: gosh what's wrong with these Oregon people, that's sooooooo freaking funny. They didn't laugh?
H: I don't flipping know.
Y: are they human?
H: NO
Good Times! I guess I should talk about other stuff besides how great hanako is :)
Life is okay, for the most part. I still don't feel like me. I haven't felt this way for 6 months. Just when I thought I was touching ground again, something totally threw me off track. So in my great style, I ran away. I'm not proud of it, but now a days it's harder to cope with things. The stress of school, work, physical therapy, etc., etc. Put a lot of weight on my shoulders. Because I can't give up school or therapy, work got the boot. The drive was killing me in more ways than one; traffic and distance were two bitches. I still got to deal with some stuff in result of my escape from the pressure, but I'll get there.
There is one good steady thing in my life. I am really enjoying it for just what it is. It's very comforting to just have something special in my life again. Basically it's nice to be with someone who makes me happy. I would only change one thing, but other than that everything else is perfect. Way awesome.
I start school in approximately t-minus 10 hours and 20 minutes. I better be off to bed.
"my head is like my hearts body guard" - Hanako
comet
Every time I see your face
Tells the world of Saturdays is true
If you let me be your friend
Than I can do more than just pretend it’s you
And we can fly up to the sky and be together
And we can ride a comet and ride and feel forever
You are like angel the way you look tonight
I can feel
I remember
Just to be there while you smile
Make the pains worth the while
It’s true
If you let me be more than friends
I can do than just pretend
It’s you
And we can fly up to the sky and be together
And we could ride a comet and ride and feel forever
You are like an angel
The way you look tonight
I dream of you
And I remember
I dream of you
And I remember
I dream of you
Like an angel
-mango pirates
ciao!
I watched Chasing Liberty today. I'm a million more times in love with Europe than I ever was. Seeing pictures and movies of any European country completely Mesmerizes me, and when i was watching Chasing Liberty I was in awe. It's getting so hard to control the urge inside me too, but I have no choice I have to control myself despite how much I want Italy!! I cannot wait to go. When I have breaks from the University of Florence, I'm going to travel every where possible. I know I am going to have the an unbelievable time, I'm waaaayyyy excited.
Topping this sundae with cherries is Hanako! It turns out she may be joining me in Italy!!! She told me yesterday and I am so hyped right now, I just know that it's going to be great. I admit I was scared to go by myself, but I wasn't going to let my fear hold me back. But damn now I may have one of the coolest people by my side, I wouldn't want it any other freaking way!! "Time of My Life," is written all over this journey. I am forecasting a lot of fun, drinking, trips, boats, trains, and beautiful sites. Nothing but pure perfection. I can already see us, shopping for fresh foods in the markets, drinking wine in the local restaurants, and coming home to our bad ass apartment... I can't freaking wait! Come September, all you lovely people will know someone who is living in FLORENCE, ITALY! HELLS YAH!
There I got my Italy craving out, now for the boring stuff... SCHOOL.
This chica got all her classes for next semester. I'm no longer on any waitlists so that takes a load of stress off my shoulders. My class schedule for Spring 2004 at the California State University, Long Beach, is as follows:
Monday & Wednesday 12:30-1:45 Comic Spirit with Natalie
Tuesday & Thursday:
8-9:15 Dance: Body Language & Movement with Iris and Alma
10-11:45 Italian 101A with Iris
12:30-1:45 Finite Math 114 all by myself :(
4-6:45 Human Sexuality (Tuesday Only) with Alma and Iris
Not too shabby, Not to shabby at all!
there are still gonna be some additions to this b/c I'll also be attending Coastline Community College... But they're online classes not too stressful hehehe.
Tonight I'm supposed to be heading out to Funtucky for Rocio's 21st Bday. It start around 8 or something... I still have 2 loads to wash, so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm in a mood for kicking someone's ass in go-kart racing. Don't know when that challenge is going to happen, but hopefully it happens this weekend. :) Of course, I will win, but I would love for some hard evidence to begin the "rubbing-in" rituals. tee-heee.
Besides that nothing else has been going on, well there has been other stuff, but I guess you'll have to contact me to find out.
simplicity
I watched sex and the city today... One issue in particular hit close to home. But that's for another time and another place. Carries relationship with her new "lova" is too cute for words. Talk about being swept off her feet. Boys if you want to sweep a female off her feet, or at least this girl off her feet, watch the latest episode from sex and the city. I would totally love dancing with someone at mickyd's. haha.
I love romance, but to a limit. If a person were too romantic with me, as in calls every minute of every day or is too giving all the time or makes every date romantically way over the edge, I think the relationship would lose it's spark. I know I'd personally lose interest. In fact, there was a person who recently wanted to take me to this way extravagant restaurant for our first date. It would have been way special if we were celebrating our year anniversary or something, but we weren't. To top it off, I hardly knew this person, I would have rather gone to get some coffee or something.
I, in particular, love surprises. It could be as small as an unsuspecting call and I would just think the world of it. I guess it's the fact that they wanted me to know that they're thinking of me, it makes a girl feel good. One time, my friend, sent his girl pictures of roses in the mail... He said since he couldn't afford the real thing he gave her the next best thing... It was so simple but truly romantic. See I'm not into the whole money thing, I can really care less. I'd rather have one rose over a thousand any day ; ) In high school I was totally into the whole leaving a note on the locker routine. I like to keep it sweet and simple. Maybe I'm just a sappy romantic, but I don't care. It's who I am.
I've been soo messy lately. I need to start tidying up. I started to clean a little, but there's still a mound of clothes in the closet that doesn't seem to have a place. I am totally in need of a wash day. I'll be hitting up my sister soon haha.
Nothing exciting has been goin on, just chillin and going to work as usual. But I'm honestly a-okay. 100% honky dorie. :)
OH yeah Happy birthday to the sexiest man alive hahaha ... Happy Bday David!!! too bad you're just turning 20 =P
the last chapter
When I realized what today was, I remembered what tomorrow is. It's not just the birthday of my brother in law, it's something ... er ... Someone else. Apart of me says I shouldn't care and another part still does, and within the part that cares lives a part of me that wants to call. I know I'll refrain from calling, but in the back of my mind the thought of this person still lingers. When I hear that song, or I pass that freeway, or watch that movie, or remember the many days like tomorrow, I will be taken back to that moment in time. I know, for the most part, I've moved on, but things ended with many loose ties and it keeps me from closing the book. I guess this is "the end," I just didn't want to realize it until now.
you like me, don't you?
My boss loves me. I'm his new favorite. Ha Ha. I told him my back was hurting and he immediately put me at a desk with a big comfy chair answering the phones that weren't ringing. He said, "it's important that you don't do anything strenuous, especially this early from the accident. Just take it easy because you're soft tissue is still recovering." :) Not only did he put me at the desk with the comfy chair, but he is also allowing me to take some of Maria's tasks. So here's the DL on Maria. Maria is cool, but she's slow at what she does... at EVERYTHING that she does. She even answers the phones pronunciating each letter for a second, "GGGOOODD MMOORRNNIINNGG, Law office. This is Maria, how can i help you." It's sad, but people cut her off when she's answering the phone b/c she takes so darn long. She also types pretty slow, and in the office, things need to be down immediately or asap, she takes her time. Today, she asked me to her a favor, and i did b/c she said she had a lot to do. SO while i'm busting my ass to get this thing done for her, she's talking on the phone with her friend, instant messaging people, and conversating with the other employees for a long time. I got pretty mad b/c i was just like so what's "alll this stuff you have to get done?" But now i feel bad, b/c she's a nice person, but just not the greatest of workers. Don't worry, it's already been established that i'm going to hell, so it's okay for me to talk this way. So yeah, now i'm doing most of maria's tasks and she's gonna have to do mine, which include a lot of moving of files :) Everyone seems to like me there. Everyone's really cool and alwalys joking around, it's a fun atmosphere. The only thing i would change about that job is the location. I wish it was like down the street where traffic wasnt' even a factor, but oh well.
I am very tired. Extremely exhausted. I just want to fall on my bed and go into a deep deep sleep. At the same time i'm hungray. Real hungray. I only ate a salad today, and it was totally not filling, but i really didn't have a choice. After an hour in traffic, i went to the grocery store and bought me some groceries. It's been such a long time, probably a month since i've gone to the store and actually bought foods to make a full and complete meal. Yay for me. So with that said, i'm gonna turn on the tv and cook me some grub.
lately i been thinkin' bout
The times that i shared with you
And there's something that i figured out
Darlin' you must have been heaven sent
There isn't nothing better than
The things that you say
flashing headlights
Tuesday May 27, 2003:
My sister, Tyre (pronounced: tie-Ra), has being going to school to be an aesthetician. Whenever I can, I usually go in there and get a facial (for $10 bucks a pop I go as often as possible). Well, tomorrow is her graduation day, and today is the last day she’d be able to take any clients. Of course I went; I woudn't miss it for anything! Not only is the facial fantastic, but being that we’re sisters we fool around a lot and we have a whole lot of fun. Despite the signs that say QUIET AREA, we laugh at each other making faces, making snood comments, flipping each other off – you might think that’s crazy mean, but we think of it as fun. Any who, when you’re getting a facial done, you have to take off your shirt, leave your bra on (if you’re a female, which I am), and put this towel tube dress thing on, and from there you jump onto the bed and get covered with blankets. Basically, it looks like your in a cocoon, and your head is the only thing not suffocating. We finished up, I unwrapped myself from the cocoon, because quite frankly it’s almost Closter phobic and my sister didn’t notice I had done this on my own and she pulled down my towel tube dress, which exposed my BOOBS! Yes, I flashed a room of 15 people, 14 women and 1 man. I don’t think I’ve ever been so embarrassed in my life.
Hahahahhahaha.... talk about a free show! Now that i think of it, what the hell was a guy getting a facial? What he needed was a back waxing eeeeeeeewwwwwwweeeee! I know i'm mean, but i need to laugh.
Back to the now:
I watched the sunset today. It was gorgeous as it sank into the beautiful Pacific Ocean. It?’s amazing how a glorious sight costs nothing to watch, and yet a lot of people do not take advantage of it. And when I say people, I mean me. The sight really made me think. There is hope for a better tomorrow, especially since the todays haven’t been so great.
When I watched the sunset figured out a few things in my life- if I don't do this on a regular basis hell will break loose. When I get upset about some things I get really upset. I blame the world and some people in it for the way I feel and I shouldn't. I put my guard up almost immediately and I push people away, not because I want to, but because I’m afraid that one day I won’t have anyone to turn to when things are bad. I have been really frustrated about events that have happened lately, and I feel suffocated with bad luck.
Today, I realized I have been acting foolishly. I am very lucky. I really don't have it bad. So what that I got in a car accident? So what I was negative in my bank account? So what I looked like a chipmunk for 3 days? So fucking what This is life, it's going to happen. Unfortunately, there isn’t a remote control for life; no stop button, no pause, no rewinds, and no fast forward. The only guarantee life gives is that anything, good or bad, is possible. When it’s bad, it sucks, it fucking sucks big fat dirty ass, but I will survive. How do I know I will survive? Because everyday there are people who are dying and they're happy. They know that there may not be a tomorrow, and they don?’t waste it feeling sorry for themselves. They see it as a blessing. I'm not dying and I was so pathetically sad for no reason. With life nothing is definite, anything can happen at any time especially when you least expect it. If I am going to be sad, I’m wasting my life away. There are way too many things to be happy about to sit and dwell on the shitty things.
I'm not saying that when shit happens I’m going to push aside my emotions. I'm still going to hate every bad thing that happens to my family, my friends, and myself, but I can't let it devour me anymore. I have to be strong, not only for myself, but for my family and friends.
All those who are serving our country are in my prayers.
I want to photograph you with my mind/To feel how I feel now... all the time/I get afraid/I don't think ahead/Let's just stay this way in bed/Feels so good inside your arms/
just being honest when i say/can't we just stay this way?
an eye for an eye will lead to a blind world ~ Ghandi
take me away
Italy sounds lovely. Like in Lion King when the hyena (whoopi goldberg's character) says "just hearing that word gives me chills." Cheech, the other hyena says "Mufasa." Whoopi says, "ooooohhhh. Do it again." Hahaha. Okay I know I'm just a kid stuck in a 20 year old body, but whatever. Back to the point, to me Italy is like the word Mufasa to the hyenas. It sends chills up and down my spine and I can't wait to go. People are always telling me "I can't believe you're gonna be gone for a whole year, I could never do that." But I see it as, it's only one year of my life. I have the rest of my life to stay in California or wherever I want, so why the hell not? I know I'm going to miss my family and my friends when I go, but I'll be back. When I come back I'll have wonderful stories to tell them. And hopefully I will be a different person. I like the way I am now, but I don't really know who I am. And as cliche' as this sounds, I'm going to find myself in Italy.
It's only Wednesday and I am really exhausted. I'm supposed to go to SD this weekend for Iris' dad's bday. I don't know if I'm up for the drive. I'll be so tired, I'm already tired. I guess I'm sick of driving period. I have done so much driving this break it's insane. I got my oil change on December 5; I think I need 800 more miles before I need another one. That's just insane. We'll see. Right now my body wants to stay home.
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I'm not giving in.
back in the day
started looking thru some old photos. It's crazy how fast time flies by. Every single picture brought back such a great memory, i love it. The one thing that hasn't ever changed in my life is my family, i am so damn lucky. haha these were some good times. too bad my webcam doesn't take better pictures, but it could be worse
from left to right: my brother habib on easter. My two sisters, two brothers, and myself in hawaii for my third birthday (i might as well have not been there because i don't remember a damn thang). My sister-in-law Jessica, Josh, his wife rachel, and me at my sister's wedding. I, of course, was the maid of honor.
(from top to bottom and left to right) My dad, Mom, Cynthia, Tyre, Habib, Ramsses, and muah on Ramsses 8th bday. Me and little man when he was a itty bitty baby... two weeks old to be exact. My family used to be the champs in swimming, and when i started i continued on with the tradition... i came in first place.
Halloween in second grade, I was a tap dancer. Me before a tee-ball game, i was on the giants. I think i was one here, but i'm not really sure.
My birthday at knott's berry farm. One of my favorite dogs ever, DJ. The summer that my family drove to canada-we left the day before school was over and came back the day after school started in the fall.
My best friend when i was a kid, Yvette; we decided to dress alike awww how cute! My mom and myself the day of my graduation. My family photo (top) Tyre, Cynthia, Ramsses, Habib (bottom) Mom and Me
bad day
I feel really frustrated. I know why, but it's not something to parade around telling everyone and their mother. It's really personal, and today it got the best of me. I thought I was far away from being or feeling like I'm in the shit hole, but I really am in the shit hole, so far in that it's going to take a ladder as high as the empire state building to get me out, and I don't think those exist, I'll be here awhile. Worst thing is that no one can really lend a hand; I have to do this on my own because when it comes down to it no one understands what I am going thru. They say they could but they don't. I'm just tired of hearing sympathetic sorries or given the face with the tilted head. I'm sick of people saying "I'm sorry to hear that," or "I heard what happened that really sucks," I guess what pisses me off the most is that I didn't even tell them, they heard it from someone else. Who the hell gave them the permission to tell them what I am going through?
It is so true what they say, when things get bad they get worse. For awhile now things haven't been the greatest, but I've still been able to go on in life without having the bad things have a huge effect on me. It wasn't until this past summer that life just got unbearable and ever since that very low point my life has been in crumbles. Most of the time I am able to pull off a smile and no one knows what is going on, but they are those select few, like my sister, who know it's all an illusion.
Don't get me wrong, with few people I am genuinely happy; in fact, extremely happy, but at the end of the day I have to face my problems alone.
I guess it's safe to say I've had a bad day. What did I do about it? I ran away. I actually disappeared from my world for about an hour until my sister, Tyre, found me. At that point she's the only one I wanted me to find me. I know that running away was cowardly, but sometimes taking the path of the hero is overrated. Taking the world one problem at a time is really impossible for me right now, especially since all my problems need to be dealt with now; an army of problems against me alone.
Being with my sister was very therapeutic especially with Little Leo there. I kind of broke down when I got there, tears and all, and little man came up to me and gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and just was with me. It's amazing how he doesn't really understand the world around him, but he understood how I was feeling, I love that little guy so much.
Here I am, seven hours later, back in my apartment not feeling very resolved, but I at least feel like there's hope.
oldie, but always a goodie
I found a dream
that I could speak to
a dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill
to press my cheek to
a thrill that I have never known
You smile
you smile
oh and then the spell was cast
and here we are in heaven
for you are mine at last
-etta james "at last"
Happy 2004
I am out of shape. I worked out today, and I could not even finish the entire workout. I was out of breath and sweating like a pig. To top it off, I guess the food I ate was really heavy, so throughout the entire workout I felt really uneasy. I would think 7 hours would give me enough time for my food to digest or at least not feel full anymore, but I was wrong. Now, I'm tired, sleepy, and still full. At least I worked out, that's a good way to start on my new year's resolutions.
I spent a lot of yesterday anticipating the end of the year. Although plans got changed, I am way pleased how the night turned out. You can never go wrong with dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and cheesecake for dessert. It was awesome. After sight seeing, (a.k.a. after we took a couple of wrong turns), we headed to sunset cliffs, and it was beautiful. It was an ideal view of the ocean and the moon. Other people there were setting off some fireworks, nothing like the fourth of July, but for that place it was wonderful. What made the night really perfect is that I shared it with someone really special. It was definitely a great way to end the year and an even better way to bring in the New Year. On a scale of one to ten, it was definitely a hundred.
My mom called me when it hit 12am in New Mexico. Apparently she had a little, okay a lot to drink. I think our conversation went along the lines of...
Mom: "happy new year mija'
Me: "are you tomada? (Drunk)"
Mom: "no mija, I only had one"
Me: "one wha?t"
Mom: "one bottle of wine"
Me: "haha niiiice mom, don't drink anymore okay?"
Mom: "why mija?"
Me: "okay just one more glass, not one more bottle"
Mom: "ooops"
I love my mom.
Hope that everyone has a good year!
