bad day
I feel really frustrated. I know why, but it's not something to parade around telling everyone and their mother. It's really personal, and today it got the best of me. I thought I was far away from being or feeling like I'm in the shit hole, but I really am in the shit hole, so far in that it's going to take a ladder as high as the empire state building to get me out, and I don't think those exist, I'll be here awhile. Worst thing is that no one can really lend a hand; I have to do this on my own because when it comes down to it no one understands what I am going thru. They say they could but they don't. I'm just tired of hearing sympathetic sorries or given the face with the tilted head. I'm sick of people saying "I'm sorry to hear that," or "I heard what happened that really sucks," I guess what pisses me off the most is that I didn't even tell them, they heard it from someone else. Who the hell gave them the permission to tell them what I am going through?It is so true what they say, when things get bad they get worse. For awhile now things haven't been the greatest, but I've still been able to go on in life without having the bad things have a huge effect on me. It wasn't until this past summer that life just got unbearable and ever since that very low point my life has been in crumbles. Most of the time I am able to pull off a smile and no one knows what is going on, but they are those select few, like my sister, who know it's all an illusion.
Don't get me wrong, with few people I am genuinely happy; in fact, extremely happy, but at the end of the day I have to face my problems alone.
I guess it's safe to say I've had a bad day. What did I do about it? I ran away. I actually disappeared from my world for about an hour until my sister, Tyre, found me. At that point she's the only one I wanted me to find me. I know that running away was cowardly, but sometimes taking the path of the hero is overrated. Taking the world one problem at a time is really impossible for me right now, especially since all my problems need to be dealt with now; an army of problems against me alone.
Being with my sister was very therapeutic especially with Little Leo there. I kind of broke down when I got there, tears and all, and little man came up to me and gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and just was with me. It's amazing how he doesn't really understand the world around him, but he understood how I was feeling, I love that little guy so much.
Here I am, seven hours later, back in my apartment not feeling very resolved, but I at least feel like there's hope.
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