just being me

island, is

tempting. very.

apparently not tempting enough.

we're just skitting on the surface

your eyes try to pull me through the ice
being drawn to the edge

higher and higher and higher

my expectations are to high. i work differently then most. yes, i get my lazy days, but the easy things i just do, i don't waste time... i. just. do. it.

i'll admit it, i put a lot of my personal frustrations against him. I hated that he kept me out of the loop. I hated that he didn't give me as much attention anymore. I hated that he took advantage of me. most of all i hated that he didn't care about work. That i would give him assignments and he woudn't do them. Especially assignments that would take a second, five minutes or 10 minutes. Honestly, why wait so long?

i talked to my boss and i told him my frustrations. his response...
"is it that he's not getting the work done? or is that he's not meeting your expectations?"

bam. there it was. he wasn't meeting my expectations.

"you know, the difference between you and him is that you just do it. You don't like things that aren't done. you do them and you do them to the best of your ability. i have never heard any complaints about you, everyone loves working with you, but that's the role you gave yourself. You do your work to go above and beyond what's expected because you don't know any better. When someone doesn't meet your expectations, it's hard for you to swallow. It's hard for you to understand that he's just average."

wow. there it was all the time. he does his work, but i just expect to much from him. it made me re-think everything.

i can't expect him to change, but i can guide him. if he still refuses to do the work... well then that's just his fault.

[deep breath in, hold your tongue against the back of your mouth. and... Release making the sound of the ocean]

i can't fix people. i can't make them change who they are. i can't make them go at a faster pace. i can do my best. I will always do my best.

but i feel and i feel it in me
up andup and keep on coming
higher and higher and higher

Labels: anger, co-workers, friendship, frustration, management, work

what you say is way to complicated

i work with mr. greek. he's always stops to let me know how amazing i look. he's also the type that makes you believe you look wonderful. Once when we were at an atrak show, some dude grabbed my ass and he almost brawled on my behalf. Eight months later, he told me well he knew why the guy did it, but he was more mad a random stranger did it instead of him. I alwalys treid to brush it off, mainly because he had a girlfriend. One day i gave in and was just all over him and of course that was the last time i did that. Today when i was talking to some friends, i feel someone looking at me and i turn around to find him. he was staring and i just kinda walk over. The picture we took turned out amazing. Oh, i took many great pics that night. No, but the one we took together it looked good. Yeah, i think all the pictures with everyone turned out great... Nothing special really. so, do you have a boyfriend? i thought about it and i coudl be honest and say no, but i said no boyfriend but i am dating someone. Who? His anem is mr. DJ, now this picture ( i take out my camera) is a great picture. he pauses, and in dispair, i'm glad you're happy. Thanks, we all deserve something good in our lives.

how looong has it been...

miike snow cures the black and blue soul.

over a year since i've been on here. Back then, i was still stuck on a tired worn out situation. holding on to the past because i felt like there was never going to be something new again. Like he said, i'm all you have and i'm the only person who will marry you. I felt like it was a scene from circle of friends, when that creeper tells minnie driver that he's the only one that would ever take care of the fat girl. I must have been so insecure. I would tell myself that i deserve so much more, but i never really believed it. That's changing now. Good bye mr. fishbowl. Goodbye mr. routine sex. goodbye mr. liar & cheater. Goodbye and good riddance.

hmm who was next? oh yes, mr emo musician. Man was he exciting in the begining. Date at the angels game, a sweet kiss on the cheeck to end the date. We swore to bring back the word Rad. Apparently, he really wanted to buy my ad space. With him, when it was fun, it was fun. Honest good thilthy clean fun. But when it was bad, it was heart wrenching. The constant wondering if i was enough, whenn he never realized that i was exactly what he needed and so he never appreciated me. The night in san fran was the worst. Yelling and screaming and begging just one look and my heart shattered. I knew... i always knew in the back of my mind. i guess n ow we'll be "f r i e n d s." A loose word for a loose boy.

It's guys like mr. fishbowl and mr. emo musician that fog up your glasses. You see the world and especially yourself in a completely different way - colors turn to greys and browns, shapes and lines get blurred and fuzzy and you begin to accept that all this life will be is medicore. Fortunately, sometimes, there are men (see the change from boys/guys)... there are Men, who stand in front of you and through your foggy point of view you begin to see shapes, lines and vibrant colors. It's like seeing a sunrise, a shooting star, and pretty much it makes you say, "i can't believe i lived to see the day." It's Men like mr. DJ who turn your world upside down. Who say you are dope and you know you are dope. Men like Mr. DJ who honestly says what he means and treats you like a lady. Men like Mr. DJ who you can walk with until 5am and wake up with and still have a conversation.

I wish now i could say, we've been together ever since, but I can't. Mr. DJ lives on the opposite side of the nation. I can't say say a lot of things about this amazing revelation, but I can say that this is the type of Man i deserve. This will be the type of Man i marry.

So how long has it been? It's been a really long time, but i know when it all happens i wont be settling and i woudn't have lived a medicore life.

Labels: break-ups, dating, love, relationships

You got me begging for mercy who wont you release me?
I'm begging you for mercy you got of begging down on my knees. Duffy

"how are you...?"

i don't even know how to respond. I know i need more than three words to tell you.

On the mark
vampire weekend album
mgNt to pretend

just being me

October 11, 2009

island, is

October 06, 2009

we're just skitting on the surface

October 02, 2009

higher and higher and higher

what you say is way to complicated

September 30, 2009

how looong has it been...

February 29, 2008

February 11, 2008

January 25, 2008

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