Honesty
I still think about him. It's a year long habit that i haven't been able to break. He filled a void that was made from losing real love. The thought that his 'I love yous' and 'i miss yous' were real made me fantasize a relationship that never existed.
I don't want to think about him, but he lingers in my mind. I used to check his myspace waiting for him to say it out loud to everyone, but instead he would secretly hold the truth inside him. changing his status to single whenever he would see me that weekend, but immediately change it back to "in a relationship" or "married" once our time spent together was over. It was that obvious and i refused to accept it.
yes the word stupid comes to mind. I just wanted him to want me. I know, that's how selfish i am. What i did goes against everything that i believe. It goes against every moral that i have. And i know if people found out that i knew the truth and continued to do what i did they would lose respect for me, because i lost respect for myself.
I can't change anything now. What is done is done. What i need to do for myself is break the habbit.
taste fisk
hello it's me again a whole lots changed since i left it
i don't know i guess i felt like checking in
surprise you let it ring well it's your turn
don't leave me hanging
i don't care i know you love it when you see me call
i wonder who you're loving now
i'm guessing we wont work things out
you know what they say youcan't have it so you want it back we're way past that
you can be in my life like you've been on my mind it'd be so easy
hello it's me again it's three days now you've been in my dream
i don't know i guess you've just been on my mind
i don' tknow i guess i think about you all the time
i wonder if she's much like me
i wonder if she's what you need
you know what they say you can't have it so you want it back we're way past that
you can be in my life like you're on my mind it'd be so easy
im no one to blame but it kills me that i made you hate me like you've erase me
and i know what they say they say you'll be happier better off without me
i'm sure it's hard to see me
i'm sure you don't believe a word
cause you've heard it all before
and we're so far from where we were
goodbye i'll let you go
i'd be back to life i'm living solo
cuz i know i need a few years on my own
you know what they say you can't have it so you want it back we're way past that
you can be in my life like you're on my mind it'd be so easy
i'm no one to blame but it kills me that i made you hate me like you've erase me
i know what they say they say you'll be happeir better off without me
***
i'm swimming
drowining in my bed
it's quiet
i'm in over my head
you're deadly you're deadly you're deadly
you're killing me
i should have known i should have known i should have known
but i couldn't see
it's hard enough it's hard enough
i stood so still
while you stole my love
i don't ever want to think about you
i'm ashamed to say i ever knew you
why don't you just dissappear
stop smiling you're not fooling me
i'm waiting patiently
just say you're sorry you're sorry you're sorry
sorry you did this
wish you could take it back take it back take it back
get down on your knees
its hard enough its hard enough
i stood so still
while you stole my love
i don't ever want to think about you
i'm ashamed to say i ever knew you
why don't you just dissappear
i don't ever want to dream about you
all i want to do is forget about you
why don't you just dissappear
but it's hard enough it's hard enough
i stood so still
while you stole my love
you stole my love
you stole my love
i don't ever want to think about you
all i want to do is forget about you
why don't you just dissappear
***
from where i am standing you're the quiet side of the road
looking so lonely and i can't stop looking at you
you're head is hanging trying to beat those goodbye girls
i bet you'll be fine
i bet you'll be fine
i guess it's not the way you always planned it
looks like you're headed for a crash landing
that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing
from where i'm standing
from where i'm standing
and i think i caught you're eye
you looking at me
and i swear i saw you smile
i'm coming over
gonna take things off you're mind
i bet you'll be fine
i bet you'll be fine
i guess it's not the way you always planned it
looks like you're headed for a crash landing
that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing
from where i'm standing
let it go
let it come down
let it crash around you
around you
i guess it's not the way you always planned it
looks like you're headed for a crash landing
that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing
that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing
from where i'm standing
i might make you mine
i might make you mine
from where i standing
***
standing at you're door just as nervous as the first time
and you greet me with a kiss how could you know i don't feel right
i wish there was a way i could of warned you
i wish that i could be the right one for you
i wish there was an easy way to say this
these words are heavy on my mind
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye
how can i explain that you did everything the right way
yea you made me feel safe and you made me want to say
things i couldn't say
wish i didn't have to watch you fall
wish this didn't have to hurt at all
i wish there was an easy way to say this
these words are heaviy on my mind
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye
and i don't want to take it back
the time we had
i got no regrets
and i don't want to understand
we should have been
what could have been
what might have been
i didn't want to break you
i didn't want to break you
like songs that say goodbye
i didn't want to break you
i didn't want to break you
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye
like songs that say goodbye
retrace
Before i read a book i like to read the last sentence of the book before i actually begin the book. Maybe it will give me insight, maybe the last line will determine the mood of the book, maybe if the last line is good enough it will make me like the book that much more.
If only i could read the last line of each of my relationships before i actually started them. That way I would have known if that guy was worth trying on...
Geoff's last line would be "Then he said, 'I've never felt this way about anyone before.'"
I would have picked up that book in an instant and read it as fast as I could to get to the end. Then I would re-read it over and over again just to re-live one of the best times of my life.
Val's last line would be "I just don't want you to think I am a jerk."
This would leave me intrigued enough to read the book. Why was he apoligizing that he was a jerk?
Mike's ending sentence is "I'm sorry. I got scared because things were moving too fast for me."
Biggest sign to put the book right back on the shelf. Obviously a sign that states that he broke up with me. What the last line of that book doesn't say is that he was the one talking about children's names the first week we were just talking.
Albert's ending would go like this "The last time i heard from him was at 1am; it was a text that said, 'comeover i miss you.'"
I should have probably read the whole last page for the book on albert because the last line would have never prepared me for the ups and downs and the ins and outs of this relationship.
Now that it's over. And i am talking Done Finito Dead O-V-E-R! I am think about the begining the middle and most importantly the end. From the first time we met we were meant for dead. I mean honestly who says, "you're probably wondering why i picked you." Arrogant mother-fucker-bastard-shithead! So i am the lucky winner?? More like i am the biggest loser. I was never ever comfortable around him either. Iris pointed it out so many times... she even tried to make me more comfortable, but i always found myself cautoius and nervous about what i should do, say, or be.
You always start new relationships opposite of ones preceeding it. So when albert came along I told myself that i wouldn't chase him. Of course he would be the one guy who wanted to be chased and expected to fall into the habits of callling eachother baby and saying i love you right off the bat. He wanted me to call him and i wanted him to call me. We wanted the same thing, but we wanted to get it from one another.
Now that i know how he is and what he wanted from me, i wonder if i had the chance to do it over and do it differently, if i would. Honestly, i wouldn't do it differently, but most importantly i don't think i would have done it at all. No because he would have never appreciated me. No because he would have cheated on me. No because he would have left me broken hearted.
Now that I am finally accepting the truth about him and what was the last four months of our relationship, i see my stupidity. I still can't believe that just two months ago he was saying i love you and telling me that i should meet his friends. Now apparently he's married and moving in with her, the 25 year old girl with a child. Thank goodness it's not me. I think more than anything the end makes me laugh, but i'll admit that it hurts just a little. Not emotionally, but my pride is hurt because i believed him for so long. I mean, aren't you supposed to believe someone who's going to be a cop?
With that said, when one door closes, God opens a window.
it's the little things
she asked me if i remembered the little things...
i remember the way geoff would smile at me. Honest and happy. It would feel like i was the only one in the world for him. Unspoken love. i miss it.
Whenever he wore a beenie he would scrunch it all the way down and raise it just a nudge. It annoyed me so much, but i loved to watch him do it.
***Val used to hug me so tight. He said he liked to hug people like it was the last time because he never knew if it would be the last time.
He always had his hands in his pocket unless he was holding mine. Then he'd let go and touch his nose. i miss that too.
***Joe would keep me on the phone untill three or four in the morning. Laugh about the oddest things and laugh until i cried. I think he would of kept me on the phone all night if he could because when i said i had to go... it was like he was sad to say good bye.
He would always open the car door for me. i loved that. In return i would unlock his door, he said he always appreciated that i did do that.
***Mike would try to make these inside jokes between us. 143... Hey baby...
I think its funny that he liked kissing me after i'd been drinking.
he'd snore so bad too. Just a little nudge would cure him for 5 minutes hahah no wonder i was soo tired all the time.
***Albert. Albert would hold me so tight at night i never wanted him to let me go. No matter how uncomfortable i was i'd just lay there. Somethings are just to good to miss out on and having him hold me was one of those things.
Everytime i wore my rainbows he'd say, why do you have to copy me.
But my favorite was when he'd kiss me over and over.
*********************************************it's the little things that matter. It's the little things you learn to love that make you realize how much someone means to you. It's the little things that make you fall in love.
