May 21, 2005

this is it

There’s a point in every relationship that defines what is and what could be. That moment can never be taken back nor will the outcomes ever change – once it’s happened that’s it.

Lately one point has been lingering in my thoughts. This moment is relived in my mind over and over again. And no matter how I look at it- the parts don’t add up to the outcome, which has left me feeling this way.

Here you and I stand in front of each other and I know that no one understands me more than you do. The look in your eyes tells me that no one understands you more than I do. No matter how much we make sense, no matter the peace it could bring us, I see a huge BUT at the end of your look that tells me this will never be. As much as I want this, I won’t chase you, but inside I’ll secretly want to run after you. As much as I want to forget you, I never will because you mean too much to me. And when I look at you all I long for is your touch, but I will hold my breath and take one last glance before I walk away. And even if you changed your mind, it’s too late because I’m not looking back.

May 12, 2005

stuck

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Especially how long it's been. When i think about it him I get caught off gaurd. And when he comes back into my life - it feels like time starts to stand still. I am vulnerable to memories.

I think about how my life continued without him here or even without talking to him. I don't remember the last time we spoke. The last time we saw each other, or the last time i heard him say he loved me. Is it my fault that time goes at its own speed? is it my fault that he doesn't take the initiative more? Is it my fault that after all this time it still hurts?

I hear he's doing fine. I hear he's happy. It should make me happy, but it doesn't. Why couldn't he be fine or find happiness with me in his life... with all of us in his life? I am bitter. My heart grows numb the more he is away. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know what to do.