just being me

<3

if I lived till I was a hundred and two I just don't think I'll ever get over you

transition

today i turn from a driving whore to a school whore.

fuck!

Saucy!

Go. If you want to. I never tried to stop you. Know there's a reason for all of this you're feeling-low... It's not my call. Me- I don't show much. It's not that hard to hide you. See, in a moment, I can't remember how to be all you wanted. You want me to cry and play my part. I want you to sigh and fall apart. We want this like everyone else. Stay, if you want to. I always wait to hear you say there's a last kiss. For all the times you run this way, it's not my fault. You want me to lie, not break your heart. I want you to fly, not to stop and start. We want us like everything else. Maybe we didn't understand. Not just a boy and a girl. It's just the end of the world. Me- I don't say much. It's far too hard to make you see in a moment I still forget to be all you wanted. I couldn't love you more.

if I could be anywhere right now where would I be? Italy. There's probably only one person who knows where I'd really rather be. It's better that way. Italy would be good too tho. In fact, I'm getting my passport in six weeks from now. I can't wait to start filling that baby up. I have to say I took I pretty good passport picture. Me and my short hair.

Yes, you heard me right, I said SHORT hair. It's not short SHORT. It's a perfectly short cut. Short enough to be out of the way and long enough to be put in a pony tail. It has a lot of potential to be pretty spunky. I have to say this guy Hanako referred me to has the magic touch. He knows what he's doing. Thirty years of experience, he better know what he's doing.

He is a good hairdresser, but the process is slightly scary. Here's this guy who cuts women's hair for free b/c he wants to and he does it all in the comfort of his own home. I'm so skeptical about the world, it's hard for me to believe that he has no other intentions. Or maybe I'm watching too much CSI and Law & Order SVU. No matter my skepticism or creative imagination that has been augmented by TV crime series alike, I wont go there by my lonesome.

I've been doing a lot of shopping. I haven't been spending the cash tho. My mom has been oh so generous to share the wealth. I'm spoiled rotten. I know. But it's been fun. Good mother daughter time. Most importantly it has been very delightful and very fun dressing up and wearing heals. It's good to be a woman.

At the same time, it's hard to look in the mirror and see this 21 year old woman. I still don't know when that happened. Most of the time I feel like a kid. It's like old age came from behind me and knocked me out when I was 18 and I finally woke up three years later to find this. Trust me, I wasn't happy to see what I have found. I guess it's the pressure from the outside world, pressure from family, and pressure from myself that's slapping me in the face and saying it's your turn to join the real world Missy! The signs are everywhere too. The biggest clue, is Kroq's flashback lunch. I remember a time when I could only name one song during that whole hour of 80s rock. Somehow the show "flashback lunch," has now slimishly decided to stir 90's and early millennium songs in the mix. It's a conspiracy I tell you. I know 21 doesn't sound old, but now that the American lifestyle timeline is being shoved into my face... My life seems to be flashing before my eyes. Next thing I know I'll be graduating, finding a job, getting married, and being a barefoot pregnant lady. And I have to do this all before I'm thirty. It's mayhem.

********

Three wishes... make that Four wishes:

I wish I could go back to the days when there were still Saturday morning cartoons worth watching.
I wish one of my family members won the lotto
I wish I could give my mom what she wanted
so i'm cheating... i wish there was a "get over it pill" filled with will power, string detatchment, and feelings deminisher

haha you said "balls!"

you can't go to bed with someone and not do it! i've gone to sleep not doing it, and woke up doing it!
~ Kelso, That 70's Show

was watching the diving competition today with my sister and my mom. I forgot what country was up, but whatever country this guy was from... well, he had the biggest bulge in his little itty bitty speedos. First i laughed, because my sister said, "balls." The next thing i know, my mom is busting up and than we are all busting up. Good times. My mom rocks.

Are you?

God, I feel like hell tonight,
Tears of rage I cannot lie.
I'll be the last to love you understand,
Are you strong enough to be my man?
My man...

Nothing's true and nothing's right,
So let me be alone tonight.
Cause you can't change the way I am,
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me,
I promise, I'll believe.
Lie to me,
But please don't leave, don't leave.

I have a face I cannot show,
I make the rules up as I go,
Just try and love me if you can,
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Be my man...

Are you strong enough....to be my man
Are you strong enough....my man

When I've shown you that I just don't care,
When I'm throwing punches in the air.
When I've broken down and I can't stand,
Whould you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me,
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave.

Are those orthopedic shoes you are wearing?

I'm in love with this movie. Go watch Garden State people. I have a high school crush on Zach. See the movie and you'll see why. one of my favorite scenes:

natalie portman and zach braff sitting by the fireplace.
zb: lets talk about something good... Like the glass is half full shit
np: I have a buzz, that's good
zb: I have a buzz. And I like you, yah that's pretty good too.

I'll see it again. Just name the place and day. If you decide to pay for me, you wont hear any complaints from me. I don't mind being your bitch for this movie. For sale: Your own quality bitch. No money down. Pay with one ticket to see Garden State. No refunds. Disclaimer: Might hump leg.

*****

Went out to Cohiba's last night with Hanako. All thanks to the best dj to ever grace us with his presence, Jericho, who got us in free. Damn I love that word. "Free" is the next best word to "sex" and what's better than sex? Good sex. Thank you. Note to self: get laid.

Anywho, Hanass is a great duo. We weren't even out of the car yet, and guys be up on this. We were mighty close from fighting them off with a stick, but the guys were able to Control themselves. The biggest set back was there were a lot of old fucks. They are the ones who check the "30+" bracket in age groups. Yah okay, thanks for telling me I am beautiful, but you aint getting my number grandpa. I refrained from dancing from any of these old fogies. Well, except one, who was 32! gawddamn that's old. Eleven years difference. I know age is nothing but a number, but when the gap states he got his first boner when I was born, it's an automatic disqualification. He doesn't even get any turns to to swing the bat; he's out on default. He gave me his card. Thanks, but no thanks.

Off to the wonderful world of Glendale. Peace out! And remember old guys means old balls.

that looks painful

the picture speaks for itself.

death cab for cutie

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

this is the sound of settling

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can't wait to go grey

And i'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

Cheap porno fantasy

A few weeks ago, I went drive thru to a small burger joint my mom introduced me too awhile back. I pulled up to the window and there I laid my eyes on cute burger boy. I really didn't pinpoint my attraction to him until he stirred up a chat. He asked if I went to long beach state and I said yah, but I answered in a timid "he might be a stalker," voice. Immediately, catching my insecurity that he maybe crazy, he added, "I saw the sticker on your car." So I was relieved. It turns out he may go to state. He is still trying to figure out his options. I know what you are thinking... He didn't just graduate high school. He's been at a Community college the past few years. Anyway, I got my food, he waved and yelled come back soon and that was it.

Yesterday my mom just so happened to want burgers from the workplace of cute burger boy. How was I to interject? My mom is a grown woman she knows what she wants, but she doesn't know what I want. Tee hee.

There he was wide hazel eyed, nice tan, not too shabby for a burger boy and muscular. He was wearing a white shirt with a disgustingly stained red apron. Let me tell you, his looks made up for the filth. Than i just let things take their course. We looked into eachother's eyes and had that spark over the grease filled counter. It was beautiful. It would have been bootyfill if my mom wasn't there. I could hear the corny porn music play faintly in the background. "bow chicka bow-wow." I think the low budget porn flick I bought has gotten to me. At least my daydream didn't end up in a taxi cab. Anyway, hardcore burger love on germ infested table doesn't sound too too bad. Or does it? What if he's hot? Okay yah, it's bad, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

After my moment of daze, with my mom on the left of me and burger boy in front of me, I snapped out of it when he asked me what kind of sauce I wanted on my burger. If I were really naughty I could have said you, but thank Goodness I didn't. My mom would of had a heart attack. That's when my mom realized they didn't take credit card, and we had to cancel our order and go. He did give us an option of saving our meal while we retrieved the money, but my mom insisted on parting ways. Woe is me. I gave one last glance back as i walked away, and i swear i could hear his heart breaking. Yah, he missed out.

And scene.

aye dios mio

i was this "-" <----- that close from catching my sister and her boyfriend doing the deed. good timing.

i need a man who will make me laugh.

p.s. still hung over

23 years ago

Happy Birthday Big Brother! I'll miss you!

lotts of love.

a song for me

david told me awhile ago he'd write me a song. well today he did. it's called "where you been?" it's about two people who have grown apart. "kinda like us," he said. He didn't remember the lyrics, cuz his friend wrote them, but from what he could remember, it goes something like " i missed you, you were my best friend i missed you girl, where you b een?.... i could talk to you about anything, i could trust you with my deepest secrets..." the beats are cool. very nice of him. he's gonna try to slap me back into shape apparently b/c i told him i don't have any expectations anymore about anything. i dunno about that, but we'll see.

going to get my passport manana... one step closer to italy. woooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo!!! catching up with my brother too.. i'll miss him. he's party is on saturday. hopefully i'll get my drink on too. i can't believe he's leaving.

adios

fall

it's so cold outside just the lonely leave their homes a gust of wind came by and filtered my mind don't have to turn the heat on thoughts of you keep me warm pictures of you by the fireplace, in the fireplace cause your so cold this fall i fall for you, and now im fallin apart

i fell for you - i fell for you- i fell for you and now im falling apart -im fallin apart - im falling apart -
im falling apart

this place reflects my life and all around leaves fall like hearts to the ground fragile and gentle just like you or maybe that was me but just like the leaves - smiles change but i never do and when that smile you leaves - the fall begins as i do too this fall i fall for you and now im fallin apart

this fall we had to park but i couldnt leave so if you think of us next fall just send away for me wait for me when your gone come next fall i still be holding on if you come around what should i do why even stay here when all i have is you i want you to go but i need you to stay one other year is just too far away i want you to go i want you to know i want you to hold

At least it was found

Cynthia and I had a good talk last night. We were watching Amelie and the love story brought out emotions from my sister that she's never told me. I always thought her first love was her soul mate, but I was wrong. Karlos Xavier G. Apparently had more than her heart. Now that I look back, I see it completely. He was her, but a male. Anal retentive, shop-aholic, high Maintenance , beautiful, and educated. Most importantly, he had a good sense of humor and loved watching the show -a.k.a. the movies.

That's when Amelie came to an end. She and I both watched as amelie rides behind nino quincopaux on his moped. Both in love with their crazy corky idiosyncrasies. Cynthia said, "that's what Karlos and I did, on the island of santerini in Greece. It's my favorite memory. To think I found my soul mate." My heart went out to her. She said she doesn't miss him, but it's like me saying I have small boobs, I'm not fooling anyone. "I just loved how we could sit in front of the TV all day watching movies or TV shows, and after every thing we could still sit and have a conversation, but most importantly we could joke around like fools. I could be myself," she said. She continued, "Don't get me wrong, I love David (her current beau), he's a good man, he'll be a good father to our kids, he'll be loyal to me, and he loves me. Karlos just did something else to me."

Obviously it didn't work out between Karlos and her. He wanted different things. He just couldn't let go of the fast lifestyle. I don't think he considered the consequences, and when he did it was too late, Cynthia and David were already on their road together.

A few weeks ago, Cynthia saw Karlos at a club. They chatted for a bit. During the conversation he admitted he messed up. In double hearsay fashion, she said he said, "I should have married you." Cynthia smiled and went on her way. Hell yah he should have married her, but stupid is as stupid does. That's what you get when you're living the fast life...

You can't resist her.
She's in your bones.
She is your marrow, and your ride home.

You can't avoid her.
She's in the air.
in the air
And in between molecules of Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide.

Only in dreams, you'll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.

But when we wake, it's all been erased.
And so it seems... Only in dreams.

You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance.
She says 'Hey baby, I just might take a chance.'

You say its a good thing.
That you float in the air.
Up where there's no way I will crush
Your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.

Only in dreams, you'll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.
But when we wake, it's all been erased.
And so it seems... Only in dreams.

Only in dreams.
Only in dreams.
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams.

You gotta love it.

a decade under the influence

i have had my taxes done forever. unfortunately my luck has found a way to delay the comming of my hard earned cash for i say about three facking months. Now lucky ass me has the enjoyment of extending the waiting time by adding two more months. Why? well, lemme tell you. Today i called the government office, i explained the situation: i filed back in march, didn't receive it, so i refiled to have it electronically put into my account, but since i moved they had to postpone my tax return and i'd receive it in August. The guy i'm talking to says, "well it got sent to you two weeks ago." "what do you mean it got sent to me two weeks ago? i wanted it electronically put into my account." Than he went on about about renter's something blah blah blah is more than i had in blah blah blah, than he said something about $60 bucks, and finished with saying they took it upon themselves to not electonically put it into my account and send it through the mail. To add the icing to this three-tier shit cake, he tells me where they sent the check to, anyone want to guess where they sent my money? Guess. Just guess. Well if you said, "to your old address." that is correct. The guy tells me, "we'll send you a paper in 10-15 days, send it back, and after we receive it you'll get your return in 3-5 weeks." i wanted to say "thank you so facking much!" but i didn't. Than he said, "have a nice day. Bye." Oh yeah, i'll have a nice day, when i get my damn money i 'll have a nice day! Again, I shouldn't expect anything, it only leads to dissappiontments. trust me this is one hell of a dissappointment.

Sad, small, sweet, so delicate.
We used to be this dying breed.
You kept still until the long drive home.
You slept safe and close to the window.
I'm coming over but it never was enough.
I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you.
Well, I got a bad feeling about this.
I got a bad feeling about this.
To hell with you and all your friends
I got a bad feeling about this... in you
I got it bad... for you

taking back sunday

garfield

Here's Your Letter

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice Say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

damn the box!

i feel like a thousand pounds of weight have been put on my shoulder. I started looking at "the plan." The one where i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life and if i don't get it right the first time i can bet my ass there wont be a second chance to start all over. I don't think i got the memo that stated "do everything you wanted to do between the ages of 0-18 so you can get down to business when you start college." It's so stupid. How can i figure out what the rest of my life is going to entail when i don't even know what tomorrow is going to bring me? They should have practice job courses at school, so you can get a taste for what you're studying before you take the 4-7 years to finish getting a degree and decide "yanno what this isn't for me."? It doesn't make sense to literally waste years from your life to only find out that whatever your major was is actually not what you want to do. The only reason i'm studying business management and getting my international cerficate is because i figure it gives me more options to choose from. When that day finally comes that says "you're all grown up, now get off your ass, find a job and get to working!" i'll be able to look down a list of at least 10 jobs and say "i want that one."

Pre-hissyfit, i was talking about my plan. It's official it's going to take me 6 years to finish college. But if i want to be lazy, it can also take me 7. If i don't do italy i'll be done in 5. But screw that concept, i'm going to italy dammit. I'm only taking 4 classes this semester, but i may take a jogging class too, but it depends if there are any cuties in my International Business class. Decisions decisions. What else is on my plate: women in sport, information systems 300, and human resources. yippe.

******

so i'm still jobless. i know what's holding me back. At this point there isn't much i can do about until the thing that is holding me back is cleared up. The job i thought i had, has been screweed b/c of the stupid thing that is holding me back. it's frustrating to know that i'm well above qualified for several jobs, but can't get them... it makes a gal want to scream. damn the man! save the hanass! now i'm looking into several part timers. woopty freaking do. comeon God shed some light on me.

just another day in the lbc

picked up my sister in alhambra. took her back to glendale. drove to the lbc and met up with iris. watched chris rock stand up. half an episode of def comedy jam. ventured to the mall to browse. met up with liliana. took a detour to a video store. bought my first porn dvd "blow-out bash." visited hanako and jericho where we watched the dvd which isn't very good, it was only 10 bucks, so i'm not surprised. visited alma. went home. now i'm back in glendale. yah just another day in the lbc.

what i love about you

i like the way you smile so big
i like the way you glow when you see me
i like the way you fix your hat
i like that you never hesitate to grab my hand
i like the way your head goes back when you laugh
i like the way you look in your pj's
i like the way you sleep
i like the way your arms fit perfectly around me
i like how you always know what to say
i love the way you kiss me

Oh, no she dident!

Okay the right side of my mouth isn't doing as well as the left side of my mouth. I think i just figured out why. First off, it feels like my cheek is stuck to my lower gums, so it's been diffiult for me to talk. It also hurts more than last time. A minute ago i looked in my mouth and it my cheek IS stitched to my gums. isn't that just odd? well it hurts... i have to call my dentist tomorrow. It's gross when you think about it, even more awful when you actually look at it. Trust me, it isn't a pretty sight. Go to hell wisdom teeth! Where's a bottle of vodka when you really need it? A couple of shots of that and i don't think i'd be so worried right now.

funny story. So my sister just got a new car. the 2004 Lexus ES 330. she used to have The 2002 lexus SC, but whatev she traded it anyway. I had to take her and her friend to the airport on friday and she let me drive her new car. I was fucking scared. I would stay away from all the cars and would drive freaking slow. It was an interesting experience because i had many people giving me the second glance... ya know like the first look is "dang that's a nice car," and the second look is "what the fuck is that young ass girl doing in that car!!??" wide eyed and mouth open. If i saw someone my age driving that kind of car I would be talking smack like none other. I know becasue i do that all the time already. You and i both know, ashlee simpson should not be driving that car, you know? I'm not used to that kind of luxary tho. navigating system, leather seats, it's too much. Hella fresh and hella stylish, but right now it's just insane. Maybe one day i'll become accustomed to that lifestyle, just not now.

I have to say... I love being a woman.

lullby

Hey boy, what's going on
Thanks, I'm doing okay
Don't believe rumours- hey
How's your family
Please say hello for me
Guess we've both grown up a bit
But I have to admit
It really still feels good
Here by your side
Sitting right next to you
Just like I used to do
You know we can't deny
No one else in our lives
Holds a candle to you and I
So here we are again
All by ourselves
So familiar you know
That it actually almost feels like deja vu
Of that night on the roof
We kissed under the sky under city lights
A sudden flashback to so long ago
In the dark all alone
With our bodies this close
Guess some things never change
'Cause I still melt away
When you touch me
And say my name
I should just hug you goodbye
but i just can't walk away from paradise
it's just me and you yeah, ,as we relive the splendor of you and i
so i guess i'll sing you that sweet lullaby
and we can revist us one more time
yes, i'll come home with you tonight

just being me

August 30, 2004

<3

transition

August 28, 2004

Saucy!

August 24, 2004

haha you said "balls!"

August 22, 2004

Are you?

August 21, 2004

Are those orthopedic shoes you are wearing?

August 18, 2004

that looks painful

August 17, 2004

death cab for cutie

Cheap porno fantasy

August 15, 2004

aye dios mio

August 14, 2004

23 years ago

August 12, 2004

a song for me

August 11, 2004

fall

August 10, 2004

At least it was found

August 09, 2004

a decade under the influence

August 06, 2004

garfield

August 04, 2004

Here's Your Letter

August 03, 2004

damn the box!

August 02, 2004

just another day in the lbc

what i love about you

August 01, 2004

Oh, no she dident!

lullby

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