just being me

retrace

Before i read a book i like to read the last sentence of the book before i actually begin the book. Maybe it will give me insight, maybe the last line will determine the mood of the book, maybe if the last line is good enough it will make me like the book that much more.

If only i could read the last line of each of my relationships before i actually started them. That way I would have known if that guy was worth trying on...

Geoff's last line would be "Then he said, 'I've never felt this way about anyone before.'"
I would have picked up that book in an instant and read it as fast as I could to get to the end. Then I would re-read it over and over again just to re-live one of the best times of my life.

Val's last line would be "I just don't want you to think I am a jerk."
This would leave me intrigued enough to read the book. Why was he apoligizing that he was a jerk?

Mike's ending sentence is "I'm sorry. I got scared because things were moving too fast for me."
Biggest sign to put the book right back on the shelf. Obviously a sign that states that he broke up with me. What the last line of that book doesn't say is that he was the one talking about children's names the first week we were just talking.

Albert's ending would go like this "The last time i heard from him was at 1am; it was a text that said, 'comeover i miss you.'"
I should have probably read the whole last page for the book on albert because the last line would have never prepared me for the ups and downs and the ins and outs of this relationship.

Now that it's over. And i am talking Done Finito Dead O-V-E-R! I am think about the begining the middle and most importantly the end. From the first time we met we were meant for dead. I mean honestly who says, "you're probably wondering why i picked you." Arrogant mother-fucker-bastard-shithead! So i am the lucky winner?? More like i am the biggest loser. I was never ever comfortable around him either. Iris pointed it out so many times... she even tried to make me more comfortable, but i always found myself cautoius and nervous about what i should do, say, or be.

You always start new relationships opposite of ones preceeding it. So when albert came along I told myself that i wouldn't chase him. Of course he would be the one guy who wanted to be chased and expected to fall into the habits of callling eachother baby and saying i love you right off the bat. He wanted me to call him and i wanted him to call me. We wanted the same thing, but we wanted to get it from one another.

Now that i know how he is and what he wanted from me, i wonder if i had the chance to do it over and do it differently, if i would. Honestly, i wouldn't do it differently, but most importantly i don't think i would have done it at all. No because he would have never appreciated me. No because he would have cheated on me. No because he would have left me broken hearted.

Now that I am finally accepting the truth about him and what was the last four months of our relationship, i see my stupidity. I still can't believe that just two months ago he was saying i love you and telling me that i should meet his friends. Now apparently he's married and moving in with her, the 25 year old girl with a child. Thank goodness it's not me. I think more than anything the end makes me laugh, but i'll admit that it hurts just a little. Not emotionally, but my pride is hurt because i believed him for so long. I mean, aren't you supposed to believe someone who's going to be a cop?

With that said, when one door closes, God opens a window.

posted by miss. me @ 11:26 PM