there's a pebble in my shoe
The room is spinning. I feel nauseous. My head hurts. One would look at these symptons and one would think i am sick again. No, i'm not sick it's something else. What i have is caused by a group of people getting together having fun and drinking. Yes people, I have a hangover. As crappy as i feel right now and as much as i just want to crawl into bed and sleep, I had so much fun yesterday that it was sooooooo worth it. Who should i be thanking for feeling so wonderful? I thank Hanako for inviting me to hang out, i thank iris for hanging out with me, i thank jericho for being so hospitable, and the rest of them for being soooooooo friendly. Man i love ammeretto sour... delish. i can drink that all night. it was daem good. I love being able to hang out with cool ass people and just drink and have fun and get to know everyone... that's like the best recipe to having a good time. Especially while watching save by the bell, coming to america, slapping asses, calling friends damn sexy, and taking pictures. So to thank all the wonderful people, dinner at my place thursday night for the friends finale. There will be food, drinks, games, and crying. can't wait.Just before i went to bed, my drunkeness consumed me and i did what i've been wanting to do for a long time now. I called joe. NOT TO TALK TO HIM, but to tell him off. I called him the first time he didn't pick up. the second time i left him a message. now remember i was drunk so i started the message off with, "i hate you. I fucking hate you. You are seriously not worth any of time. i'm done with you." Click. yes it was harsh but someone had to end it. He wasn't gonna be mature enough to do it, so i did it. I don't know what compelled me to call back especially since i already ended it on his voicemail, but i guess that's the thing i'm not gonna be that shallow. if i was gonna let him know that he was shit, than i wanted him to hear it as i speak it. Than i called and blocked my number and he finally answered. I was like woah you fucking answered your phone. i just wanted to let you know you're fucking gay..." this is where i forgot what i said, b/c the drunken fog began hazing into my memory, but all i remember is that i didn't let him talk, and i ended it with "this is over." And i hung up the phone without him saying a word. I have to say it felt refreshing. I felt something lift off my shoulder, or maybe it was my stomach telling me to go to the toilet? Whatever it was, it was a great feeling and as i fell fast asleep i heard "we are the champions" ringing through my ears. Yeah it was a good night. :)
okay, so that is done with. we both didn't have to talk to each other anymore. we could go our seperate ways at least knowing that i got some closure. Besides, i knew joe wasn't gonna call me back after i hung up on him. I know him, he doesn't care. So you can just imagine the look of suprise on my face when he called me at 7:30 this morning. I answered the phone with my groggy still drunk and i know i'm gonna have a hangover voice. The first thing he says is,
"what the fuck is up with your message? You fucking hate me? You're done with me?"
The first thing that came to my mind was, fuck i'm still drunk. THe second thing that came to my head was... why are you calling me? DId i say i'm done with you? THan i mean it dumbass! so i said,
"joe we don't talk. you don't call me. there is no point in this."
"so that means you fucking hate me? you don't want to see me anymore?"
"yeah pretty much. Maybe i don't hate you, but i don't like you. I don't know you enough to hate you, but what you showed me is that you can say anything and not mean it."
I don't understand him. Not only did he continue to fight with there being a reson for us to still try at this, but he kept promising and saying sorries. Like does he think i'm gonna fall for it again? Okay he says he is sorry and that he'll try to call me more so i'm gonna give him another try. NO! gosh no. The first time it's their fault the second time it's your fault, the third time it's not gonna happen. I believed him one too many times. and i'm over it. I told him,
"yanno you say you're sorry you say your promises, you say you care about me, but if any of those things were true than you would call me, than you would want to know about me, you would care to say hi to me at least once out of the week, but you don't. So that tells me you're not sorry, that tells me you are a liar, and that says you don't care at all about me."
The fucker had the audacity to say, "but i'm sorry, and i promise to call you, and i swear i care about you." THAN he started to laugh and he said, "i'm sorry i'm not laughing at you, i'm laughing because you've analyzed this so much."
OHhh mother fucker! no you didn't. No YOU FUCKING DIDN'T! "Trust me, i haven't sat here by the phone waiting for your call. YEah i've wondered about you, but i haven't analyzed you. Your actions say that... it doesn't take a genius! I don't waste my time to think about you.." I think that hurt his feelings because he didn't say anything he just kind of did that like sigh kind of thing, but i don't care.
Than he said, "well i'm gonna go visit my sister and we can go hang out get to know each other."
i didn't say anything. But he continued anyway. Everytime he said a reason we should try at this i had a good reason to say no we shouldn't try at this. He said i don't call you because i don't like talking on the phone... okay you want to have a relationship with me and dont forget i live far away, but you don't want to call me? how else are we supposed to get to know each other? if we don't talk on the phone what is there? THere is absolutely nothing! And that's what i told him. But he wouldn't give up. he continue to argue with me.
Than he said the words that expected him to say, "well i got to go, but can i call you later? I promise i'll call you."
"why are you gonna call me?"
"i hate when you say that. I hate when you say 'if you want to call me than call me.' i hate when we're ending a conversation on the phone and i tell you 'i'll call you back, i promise,' and you tell me to not end the conversation like that to only end it with bye."
"Comeon joe. i'm not gonna sit here and waste my time on you. I told you once i would waste my time with you, but not on you. You can't just continue to play these games. I never wanted to have to setup meetings to talk to you, i wanted you to call me because you wanted to call me. NOt because you have to. And as far as you ending our conversations with "i'll call you back, i promise." The reason i don't like you saying that is because that makes you a liar. I know you wont call me anyway, but it's the principle of the matter. If you don't mean than don't say it. It's like when you say you care about me, it's all a lie. if you did than you would freaking care enought to know how i'm doing. so why are you gonna tell me you're gonna call me when we both know you wont? why don't we just end this already?"
"i'll call you after work, i promise."
"bye"
"bye"
why can't he just let it go? Okay yeah i shouldn't have answered the phone. But apart of me just wants him to understand where i'm coming from so i can get an understanding of why he continue to want to keep this going when there isn't anything going? I know i'm trying to find out the impossible but i wouldn't mind knowing. But if he doesn't call like expect him not to, i'm not calling him ever again. The only way he'll become apart of my thoughts again is if i hear from him. The only reason i write about him now, is because i'm so mad he woke me up from my sleep. Anyways drama is fun to write about. hahaha i'm such a girl.
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