i cheese sandwhich you
I am sick again. I don't have a fever, but my eyes itch. I am coughing up a lung every five minutes... actually i cough up my food. One side of my nose is running and the other side is stuffed. My entire body is dry because every attempt i make to drink water i cough it right up. very dehydrated. I just got done being sick, although last time was far worse because i coudln't swallow anything, i was cold when it was 100 degrees out, and my body ached; Now, that was hell. So yeah this isn't bad, but damn, being sick just sucks, point blank.I saw my dad yesterday. Didn't give me any cash. I guess that's what i get when i want something... nothing. It was really good seeing him tho. It's been a very long while, in fact, i can't recall the last time i saw him. I think he'd rather just see me than talk to me. Every time i attempt to tell him about what's going on with life, he'd make a phone call, but when my sister cynthia and my brother habib came, he was all talk and all listen. I just became the girl who was sick that was sitting next to him. That kinda sucked... after two hours of that i just wanted to leave, and i was already coughing up the organs in my body... so i wasn't a happy camper. Than my dad would be like why don't you get medicine, go to the doctor, do something... and i would sit back and not say anything because last time i checked i was broke and he knows that. When he first saw me he said wow you're not fat anymore and you're face isn't full of zits. Nice to see you too, fucker. Dad's always know how to say the right things. I'm surprised he didn't say "tits up." He usually says that to me when i slouch and i souch all the time, so i was taking away by his silence. I love my Dad, but i still have a lot of resent in my heart for him. There are things you can't forget, ever. Yet, he is still my father and i will always love him.
Our lease is up soon. That means the chismosas are finally going their separate ways. When alma moved out last
summer, it sucked not having her around. She was always busy with the things in her life, so i always understood why she couldn't hang out. Nontheless we had some good times. I still miss not living with her. She's still always busy, i wish we could hang out more. NOw that Iris is leaving too, it's an end of an era. I have lived with her for the past three years-you get to know a person really well in that amount of time (unless they aren't here. ahem, the beast). It makes me sad. We've know each other so well, that i can say something that doesn't make sense, but she would still understand me. Who am i gonna bug in the morning? Even more depressing, who's gonna bug me? Who will i go to the store with, or go on a food run with, or go to the mall with just cuz? Who will i take a spontaneous roadtrip to get a california burrito? I'm used to making stupid jokes and mean jokes and saying "i'm going to hell" adn than iris saying "me too." or some bull shit like that. I'm just really gonna miss her. I know we'll still keep in touch and yea she's only 120 miles away, but Long Beach wasn't the same when alma left, and now that iris is leaving, i feel like i have to start over. I know i have my other great friends here, but I lived with Alma for 2 years and Iris for 3, they're like my sisters.
I remember the first time i had a conversation with iris, we took a small raod trip around long beach in attempts to find the infamous second street. hahaha. We ended up going the complete opposite way, ended up around the long beach airport! She told me about this boy she liked, adn i told her about my boyfriend Nathan petersen. Who knew that would be the first of many road trips and the first of many detours taken? Good times.
I watched this movie yesterday, "love and sex." I've seen it before it's a good flick. Katie, twenty something writer, has thirteen nonworking relationships, and finds someone to love, but loses him. She was talking about relationships and that sometimes we are in relationships because we need to be wanted. we want to be needed. we need to be touched. our bodies need to be phsysical- not in the sexual way but more in the simple ways, like hugging, holding hands, and kissing. These basic needs and wants make us feel in love, but it may just be we're infatuated. Being in love is infatuation, in addition to, your significant other being your best friend. Finding that your quarks and habbits aren't soething to change, but something to love and appreciate. AT the end of the day saying 'i cheese sandwhich you' because the word love has been abused to becoming just a word.
Love? I don't know what that is, to me, like cheese and sandwhich, it's just another word. I guess, i've been looking to hard and in all the wrong places. As much as i say i don't want a real relationship, i do. I'm still waiting for that special someone to sweep me off my feet, but i guess it hasn't happend because i'm not ready for it. I know i'm settling for less with joe. He's not even an infatuation to me... i don't know what he is. Definately not apart of my life. I'm sick of love, i'm sick of infatuation...
i'm just a girl trying to find a peace of mind
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