just being me

Losing wisdom

I am officially getting my wisdom teeth out next week. Well the left side first and than the right side the following week. I'm going to look like the deformed guy from goonies. "hey you guuys!"

Speaking of deformities, I saw Joe last week. It was I accident. I went to L&L's, which happens to be right next to his work and I spotted his fro from afar. At first I was skeptical, but his miss-shapened head was a giveaway. I contemplated to say anything at first, but with a little help I went to say hello. We mingled for a bit, nothing really important. He was sick and had vomited, I know it was true b/c he reeked. I wasn't going to give him a hug, but I did. The one armed hug to be exact. Than he yelled to call him. "I'm still waiting for you to call me," I yelled back. That was that I was on my way.

He called me later that night, only I missed it b/c I was drunk down south. Apparently, I called him back before I went to bed, the only reason I know is because I saw it on my call log. I found out later that I yelled at him and said "what do you want from me?" I repeated my time several times and didn't let him get in a word edgewise. Eventually we hung up the phone. Who knows how long it lasted... I was drunk and found myself in the loft the next day. I was too drunk that night... Never again.

Well I had thought that was the end of it... I thought it ended a long time ago, but I was wrong. Joe called me again last night while I was staying at my sister's apartment. I answered it and I asked why he was calling me. He said cuz he was thinking about me. "you were thinking of me? No way?" yeah I said it with a lot of sarcasm. We talked about the night I was drunk and how I was yelling at him. Than it got silent and he sighed. It was one of those sighs that tells you something is wrong. So I asked him. He said nothing. Asked again, and I got the same response. I told him I'm going to hang up and that's when he started talking. "It's just that..." And that's when I cut him off. "Bye Joe... You got your chance to say it, but you lost it." Click.

I'm so tired of playing games. I feel like I play more games now than I did as a child. For some reason I always end up losing. Perhaps it's because I have this preconceived notion that love is like the stories they tells us from childhood. That one day my prince will come, he will sweep me off my feet, and we'll ride into the sunset to live happily ever after. In some cases that is true, but for everyone else they forget to mention a few major details. For example:
1) You may meet "the one," but to find them you have to kiss a lot frogs.
2) You may fall in love, but you'll also get your heart broken.
a) The person you thought was a prince/princess was actually a frog in disguise and while he/she is laughing all the way to the next girl/boy, you are left alone trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.
3) Get used to this line: "I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
I don't think Cinderella ever heard that before. It's like saying, "I just wanted to see how much longer I could have you believe my lies before I really got tired of you." Or "I was too chicken shit that's why I developed a plan to be an ass/bitch to you, that way you would break up with me and I wouldn't feel so bad about myself."

I sound so bitter don't I? We have all been through it all. I know I've just listed the bad, but there is also the good. The good defies everything the heartache brings. It makes you want to be a better person. It keeps you smiling for no reason at all- all the time. As bad day as you can be having, you can hear one word from that person and you are more than okay, you're wonderful. It's seeing that person and not being able to explain the feeling that rushes through your body. It's pure happiness. It's one of the greatest feelings I have ever had and I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to have it. When it ended, it made me sad, but the memories are still vivid and now that I think of the past I'll smile. I just wish I knew that once it ended he felt the same way I felt about him... A simple I miss you or I missed you would suffice. To know that my feelings weren't wasted is all I'm asking for. I think that's all we're asking for once a good relationship has ended. It isn't much.

posted by miss. me @ 1:54 PM