just being me

The first time

I'm in the emo kind of mood today. I'm not sad or anything, I just feel like I want to be emotional today. In complete sad style, I put in my dashboard confessional CD. I think it's healthy to get sad sometimes because it's good to cry; let things out. A great song to be depressed to if you've ever been in a failed relationship is the song "brilliant dance." You can totally hear the singer dying in the song, like he's been stabbed and he's left bleeding, and he's awaiting the grim reaper to bring him his death. It's terrible. Here are the lyrics.

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.


damn aint that the truth. all people who have come across the path of failed love has felt this. Th bitterness inside that rotts away anything good you have ever felt. The world does turns into some dark meek place where nothing makes sense, only your pain, and for some reason you have to continue living. There are so many times you pray for the world to stop or just pause for a second to find air because you really do feel like you can't breathe. To be brokenhearted is every horrible feeling multiplied by a hundred. At least that's what I have heard.

I think I have had a few stabs to my heart and a few bits and pieces have chipped away, but I don't think I've been broken hearted. Out of 100%, my heart lies at 95% give or take a few. Not bad for almost being TWENTY ONE! hehehe. Yeah I'm gonna be 21 finally. I had to incorporate that somehow.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION: just because I feel emo today doesn't mean I'm depressed. You crazy fucks who think that need to take a chill pill and stop analyzing my life so much. This is a journal don't take it so seriously b/c I really don't. So go shart in your pants. [shart (shh - ar - t): when you try to fart and shit comes out. hahaha]

went running today at the marina. I got a very minimal tan. I'll settle for any kind of coloring my very pale skin can get. Ran some errands. Ate pretty healthy. watched along came polly. now i'm sitting here.

posted by miss. me @ 11:13 PM